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After suffering with depression and anxiety for most of my life, I think I'm finally going to get some help. The last few days have probably been the most depressed I've been in a while and my b/f's Mom took notice of this today. She found a place locally where I can apply for free medical and she's going to help me do all that ASAP.

The only thing holding me back at this moment is that I need some documents that I ended up losing in the many moves that I've done over the years, namely my social security card and my birth certificate. Thankfully, with my b/f's help, I just ordered a copy of my BC just now so I can get my social security card, so I can get my license changed over to KY (I'm from Ohio originally...). All this is just a huge pain in the rear, especially when I feel like dying but I'm plowing through it.

We were going to go tomorrow to get my SS card so I could get my license but I checked with the SS web site, just to be safe and it stated for a replacement card, I needed a birth certificate *thud* I know that it's important to be able to prove who you are but this is just a big ol' domino effect here.

One thing that I've learned about all this... keep your personal documents in a secure place and mark it with a big, bold sign 'DO NOT THROW AWAY!!!'

So, hopefully, within the next few weeks, I'll be on meds and possibly getting therapy... or something like that

You would think that seeing opossums, raccoons and other odd assorted critters would be exciting enough. Where I'm at now, this is sort of a nightly happening but you really don't expect to see wildlife inside the house. Today, while I was starting dinner, Joe and I both heard something like a cricket but not. This is the culprit...



This is the first time that I've ever seen a bat up close. I really wasn't scared of it making a nest in my hair or anything like that but rabies was a concern.

Between Joe and I (Joe did most of the work... I just flushed the little guy out so he could catch him...), we got him out of the house safely. Joe released him out in the woods behind the house, as per the research that he did regarding safe bat removal.

Technically yesterday, it was the anniversary of my Mom's birthday. She would have been 78 f she had been alive. This time around, I don't think I did as well as I did last week with Jack's bday anniversary. Well, too, I haven't felt all that great the last few days either so... I really wasn't depressed per se... more like I was in a fog all day and maybe that's a good thing.. DEFinitely an improvement from last year (cried and moped all day...).

Today is the anniversary of my brother's birthday. He would have been 48 this year, had he been alive. The only reason why I'm even bothering to post this is because, for the first time in years, I've been able to pass this day without getting hugely depressed and cry off and on all day. I think I'm getting better in that regard... finally.

The last few days, Joe and I have smelled **** in the living room but couldn't find anything. Well, tonight, we were both smelling it really strong so Joe searched around... it turns out that someone was shitting in one of the big plant pots in the living room!!! We suspect Jasmine as we both have seen her playing in there from time to time. In addition to this, she tried to get out tonight when we were watching a raccoon snacking on the left over cat food that Jacob and George hadn't eaten. Ironically enough, all 3 indoor cats have tried to get out tonight O_o Bruce, the lone indoor male actually got out but I snagged him just after he got out (he hissed at me all the way to the door too...). On the flip side, Jacob was trying to get in today too... can't figure out what's going on with them today.

Tags: Cats Litterbox Mysterious Smell

I was just thinking about bitterness today. My grandmother and father were both hugely bitter people, hangning onto old hurts like they're priceless. My Mom taught me that I have a choice as to what I do with my bitter feelings.

With all the crap I've been through (especially the last 15 years...), I would have a right to feel bitter but I also have the right to work through those issues, try to learn something from them and go on from there.

It took me years to get past what all my grandmother did to me, in addition to what my father did to me. I'm just getting to the point where I don't obsess over how I'm the only one left, which, for me is major progress.

While anxiety always plays a part in how I deal with stuff, that's just one more thing that I have to work through. I'm getting better at letting things go and pushing myself to do what I need to do...

That brings me to the one thing that I've been blowing off the last month... calling that damned lawyer!!! I'm really not happy with myself on that but I have to give my anxiety room too. The more I fight it, the more it rears it's ugly head and makes it all the worse. I tried to force myself to make the call a few weeks ago and had a friggin' panic attack O_o Not good.

At any rate, I got 'that time of the month' today and ironically enough, I haven't fallen into a deep depression and despite feeling like death warmed over today, emotionally, I was kind of upbeat for a change... go figure

Tags: Anxiety Choices Living