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DVR appointment

Augustus — Fri, 18 May 2012 03:59:38 +0000

I had an appointment with my DVR counselor and the guy who did the evaluation testing on me last month. In March/April I took a bunch of tests that are supposed to help in finding me a job or career I might be suited for. I got the report he wrote about the results of the testing, which makes for semi-interesting reading. I'm not sure I agree with the list of possibly appropriate jobs for me, especially the "Telemarketer" entry, which is something I would never do.

The report basically boils down to saying that I'm verying intelligent, but my social incapacities prevent me from being gainfully employed. Which is what I've known for years, but now I guess it's "official." Anyway, I've got a couple of options for what to do next, and some time to think about it. I'm glad that some progress is being made on this, although the idea of having a job still freaks me out.

Lumosity

Haunty — Thu, 17 May 2012 03:21:06 +0000

I found out about this lumosity.com site. It's like the video games where you train your character with certain abilities, except this is for training your brain attributes in real life. Unfortunately it costs money to go through the full training program.

I need to work on my flexibility and speed the most, it was always difficult for me to do multiple things at once, and I am a slow thinker. Problem solving is easy to improve with practice I think, and also influenced by speed.

Day off

Augustus — Mon, 14 May 2012 06:07:49 +0000

Yesterday I spend almost all day in my room. I decided that after two and a half months of watching a small child and doing the chores (because my mom is hurt), I was going to spend my day off away from every and everything. I dozed off a bit, played computer games. I got a lot of reading done, which is something I don't have too much time for during the week. It was the laziest day I've had in a long time, and it was fantastic. It's been a long time since I've spent a day just hanging about without feeling guilty for being a failure in life, and so on...

More of an ordinary day today, but not all days can cool like yesterday.

Meh...

Jephi91 — Mon, 14 May 2012 04:08:20 +0000

Guess I should update what's going on in my life. Let's see... I am currently employed at Walmart, or as I like to call it, Hellmart. I been there for I believe 4 months now. I work in the infant's department, the hardest department in the whole damn store. It's like a mini store in itself. It has grocery, furniture, toys and clothing sections. All of which I am responsible for on top of boys and girls departments on some days. The workload is rediculous at times. It has helped me learn to make conversation with people. I try my best to look normal for the customers and my coworkers. I had an evaluation about a month ago and my superiors think I seem cold with people but I am trying my best to come off all happy and warm and fuzzy. I make $8.20 an hour which is good enough for now I guess. I just bought a '96 Ford Taurus and I was proud of myself for about 5 seconds until everyone started saying what a shit car a Ford is. I didn't get a congrats or anything but thats fine I guess. I just didn't expect everyone to throw their 2 cents in about what a peice of crap that model car is. It runs fine and looks good but everyone keeps lowering my confidence about it. I get a whole lotta "Oh, you shoulda got a ___. That car isn't good" I worked my ass off to get a car and I was in a hurry and I think I did a pretty damn good job. No one can ever just be happy for me. They always have to judge. Whatever. Oh, my boyfriend and I are still together. Today was our 1 year anniversary actually. It didn't go as I'd hoped. Since the last time I posted on here he had his nephrectomy and has been on dialysis for a while. Anyway, we were supposed to camp out at his grandfather's old house in the backyard. We had this planned for weeks. I took the day off of work and everything. Well we didn't get to do any of that because he didn't watch his liquid intake closely enough and the dialysis clinic is closed on weekends so he has a little fluid buildup around his heart and lungs which makes him feel crappy. He has a hard time breathing and can't really get out of bed. I feel so bad that he is so thirsty and I have to deprive him water but it's for his own good. This was not how I wanted us to spend our 1 year anniversary but there's nothing I can do about it now. Now I'm up worrying about him, checking up on him every 5 minutes to make sure he can still breathe. He gets dialysis tomorrow morning thank God. I felt like a nurse all day. I love him so much but sometimes all I can do is worry. He breaks down to me about how no one can understand what he is going through and it makes me feel so helpless because I can't. I try my best, but no one can understand what that's like except another person going through it. He always questions why him and I don't always know what to say. It just kills me inside. His parents are on vacation in Myrtle Beach right now and after they get back his mother is proceeding with kidney testing at University of Penn to be his donor. If all goes well he should have his transplant by mid to late summer. I cannot wait. This is such a rough time and it puts a strain on our relationship. I miss the way he was before all the renal failure happened. I'd only been dating him a month or 2 when his body started rejecting his kidney. It's like I know sick Patrick more than normal Patrick. It's just one of those nights where nothing feels like it even matters anymore. Sure, I'm doing a little more with my life but I still feel empty inside. I feel like I'm worried more than I should be at my age. I've been getting headaches and I wake up out of a sound sleep with worries in my head and my heart pounding. It's a good time in my life and a horrible one at the same time. Just need to vent a little every now and again. Sorry to bore whoever reads this.

Supplement

GlassSky — Sun, 13 May 2012 05:22:24 +0000

Hello out there. Well I've had a downward spiral concerning being distressed about anxiety and my issues.

I guess I am not going to talk about what happened. I did write on it earlier but deleted it because I regretted going into too much detail. Also unfortunately missed a comment. But it was an issue with an anxiety over-the-counter supplement I'd been taking for about a month. It was a pretty strong one that was not meant to be taken every day. And right now I have quit taking it a few days ago and am trying to find the strength to live without it. As a result though the weaning off of it can bring a lot of depression and I feel that perhaps I am going through that.

I am torn between living a safe life and wanting to improve. Being social is something that seems right and normal and not lonely. But the bad feelings that can come with it are so terrifying that I don't take the steps to expose myself enough to learn.

I just wish I was naturally socially skilled. It would make my life so easier if I just believed this and didn't avoid all the things that make life fulfilling.

Anyway, I have been considering finally getting a therapist. I have never had one that is for social anxiety. I was more thinking I wanted one that would do the whole explore the root of your problems thing. I don't feel ready for exposure techniques right now. I guess I just want to understand myself because frankly, I don't. And that is why I enjoy writing here because I feel like I'm somehow getting somewhere with myself.

The thing is, is that I frankly don't understand what my problem is, or even who I am, or what I want. I know that people say I am too hard on myself. It often comes as a surprise to me because I didn't see that. I don't think I ever realize I'm being hard on myself when I am. Anyway. I could probably type a book lamenting on this.

All I know is that I am not feeling stable or good at all, and I just want to find some sense of peace and belonging and happiness.

One thing about happiness. I have noticed I rarely feel happy about my accomplishments. Like getting this apartment. I know I always wanted one. But after getting one, I have felt nothing but insecurity and loneliness and freaked-outness about it. And when I have accomplished other things - it's just like it rolls off my back and I don't feel like it really says anything about me at all.

Tbh I don't think it should - I don't feel like people's accomplishments speak to their value as a person. But it's not normal and something seems messed up about not enjoying what you work hard for. Anyway, I just don't understand it. I don't understand myself, and I think I am a weird person with weird emotions and I have doubts I'll ever really feel like I belong and will be able to truly relate, or that people will be able to relate to me. I do feel somehow broken, and I don't know why or even how.

Anyway, that's all for now. Hopefully I will be doing better soon.

I am making some progress :)

Special Kay — Fri, 11 May 2012 07:24:49 +0000

I am soo proud of myself i am finally being around people for a change i still have the racing heart and anxiety but i am pushing my way through it this is progress i am still not talking to people but getting out the the house is progress i am taking steps to beat my social anxiety and selective mutism and who knows i may be able to talk and look at people as well you never know

Thoughts on the demise of a personal ad

Augustus — Thu, 10 May 2012 02:57:31 +0000

I took down my profile from OkCupid. I planned on doing that a while ago but haven't gotten around to it until a couple of days ago. I'm active on that site every now and then, I send messages to a bunch of women, none of whom write back. Then I get annoyed/depressed about my lack of success and take my profile down until I get bored enough to give it another try.

I'll probably try again eventually, but personal ads are difficult because I never know what to say about myself, either in my profile or when I respond to others' profiles. Which is pretty normal, I guess, but people do manage to write things about themselves, while I'm staring at the computer for an hour trying to write a paragraph about myself. Sometimes I take a horribly long time to try to write a message to a woman whose profile I thought was interesting.

I think I spend too much time intellectualizing my activities on the personal site because deep down, I think I've become a boring person. I don't really do much, and there isn't a whole lot I want to do. Part of the problem is that I only have a few friends, but I don't seem them much and when i do we usually just hang around and talk. Part of the reason is that I can never think of anything I want to do, so if I'm on the phone with a friend, I never say "let's meet up and do [fill in blank]." On the other hand, they aren't exactly full of ideas for things to do either.

Because I've never had an active social life, I don't really know what people do when they "go out." Going to the movies, yeah I can do that. But what else is there. Going to a club, or a bar? Those places kinda freak me out, my anxiety just goes through the roof even at the thought of hanging around places like those--I suppose some bars would be tolerable. I don't like eating at restaurants, unless I'm really comfortable with the people I'm with.

On the other hand, my friends do seem to like hanging around with me. It seems that I can be pretty funny in conversation, mostly because normally I don't take things too seriously. That may not come across in my blogs or activity on this site, because my social anxiety is something I take extremely seriously. I'm a nice and amusing guy to hang around with. But you can't just write that on a profile, you have to be more verbose.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at, my train of thought took a detour. This week I'm having a hard time because I'm not getting enough sleep, and what sleep I do get isn't restful. Which means this weekend I'll probably end up sleeping until noon, taking two naps during the day, and going to sleep around 1am. And I hate it when I do that.

Hi everyone.....

fight_chick — Sun, 06 May 2012 01:11:07 +0000

Hi Everybody! I miss a lot of you. I've been engulfed in the facebook scene and haven't spent much time here. But I think of you often.

Back again

Augustus — Sat, 05 May 2012 02:34:20 +0000

I've been away from this site from quite some time. Mostly, I've become more isolated than usual, but that's partly due to events out of my control. My mom hurt her arm really badly in January, for a while I just had to help her out with some chores, but after seeing the doctor they decided she needed surgery. So she did, and during the lengthy recovery period, I have to watch my nephew everyday, and in the evenings do most of the chores she does. My dad does some. But I'm not able to get out of the house, because I'm just too busy, and I've been living like this since the end of Feb. Depending on how her physical therapy goes, I'll be doing this at least until the end of the month, and then as her shoulder gets stronger, she'll be able to do more and more until things go back to the way they used to be.

The problem is that this has pretty much cut me off from going to support groups, from meeting friends... my weekends are free, but I'm usually just sleeping and staying it bed. I have been able to make my therapy appointments, but these days I just talk about how tired I am and how isolated I've been. I need to reconnect to the world outside of my house. So hopefully, my return to this site won't be a temporary thing, hopefully I'll stick around.

Although that is kind of difficult because I had to disconnect my computer from the internet. I'm using my dad's computer now until I reinstall windows on mine. Oh, and as long as I'm being whiny, I think I'm gaining weight, or at least I think I look like I'm gaining weight. But that's probably just the depression talking.

I also have the usual complaints about my life: I have only two friends (an improvement over this time last year) but I don't see them much, I'm lonely and I don't date, I don't work, blah blah blah. I've written about the loneliness/dating stuff so much in the past that I won't bother now.

On the other hand, I went through an evaluation process with DVR about general intelligence, general job-related abilities and desires, and so forth, and have an appointment with my case manager later this month to talk about the results. I'm quite looking forward to that. Hopefully they'll be able to help me get a job soon after things return to normal around here, because I wouldn't feel comfortable taking a job while I'm the one looking after the house and my nephew (If I couldn't look after him, my brother and sister-in-law would probably have to put him in daycare until my mom is better, something they'd rather not do). Of course, if a really good opportunity comes my way, who knows.

Overall, things just aren't going well, although since I'm in the DVR process at least I'm making some movement towards having a job. Even if the process is slow. But the rest of the time I'm stuck here, busy with my nephew or chores, or too depresseed to do anything but lie in bed. And yet, between my serious depressive moments, I feel kinda okay sometimes.

I was going to write more, but to be honest I don't know what to say. I'm too emotionally confused to really know what to say about myself, and frankly I'd rather go and lie down for a little while before getting back to chores. I suppose having to take over for my mom isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me, but I sure don't like it.

A Confused Man

bk — Thu, 03 May 2012 05:03:25 +0000

Fellow Living Anxious

SAF_Pein — Wed, 02 May 2012 11:27:56 +0000

Before i make a move, i would like to seek help from everyone here, everyone's thoughts and advice is much appreciated. Thank You in advance.

I've been on meds for 7 years consistently.

I just went to my internal doctor that prescribes me my meds which is rivotril clonazepam that keeps me calm and act NORMAL for a specific amount of time, He said he can't prescribe me the meds anymore because his license is expired already and noted go back to my psychiatrist for my meds. I thanked him and left.

I don't know how to live without my meds, i am very dependent on it, i can never do any social interaction without my meds + inderal beta blocker. That's what keeping me alive for the past 7 years, if i'm not mistaken in calculation.

I fear a lot because i am currently in job training, i can't withdraw from my job, because i don't have anything that i can hold onto to support myself.

I tremendously sweat and fear a lot, sometimes without any reason, i am paralyzed by my mental illness, everyone i meet thinks there's something wrong with me which always makes them avoid me and i always end up being alone and no one to talk to. I think i got used to it, somehow i still cannot deny the thirst for friendship. Yes i don't have any friends in person, i hang out with myself.

i don't know what to do, but to go to a psychiatrist again, but i'm looking for a hospital that i can afford. it's not in my budget.

Is there any Medicine that you can prescribe? that will help me from fearing and sweating like a pig? i would really appreciate it.

Thank You. Hope everything is well with everyone.

Update on Dating and Other Miscellany

PolkaDot — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 23:31:26 +0000

Well I have gone on 3 dates with the same person... this hasn't happened since I was 17. And I thought it was going rather well, except that although a part of me really likes this person, another part can't get over the fact that all he was really talking about was his past illicit drug use and such. He assured me that he hasn't done anything hard in 4 years, but why is it all he talks about? On our first date he had a lot of interesting things to say, and our conversation lasted for 3 hours. We spoke on the phone after that, for an hour or more at a time, and it was going so well. then the conversations were geared solely towards drugs, his experiences while on drugs, his friends experiences while on drugs, and which drugs he wouldn't mind doing again, under the right circumstances. He even told me the happiest memory of his life was while he was on acid.

I'm ok with someone having done that stuff in the past, but it can't be all they talk about and they I'm not sure I could handle it if they started up again, even though he says it was never a real problem for him. How does one believe that?

I haven't talked to him in a few days, and I'm wondering whether I should text him and find out what's up... or just let it go... the pain of being alone is heavy.

The Pathetic Plight

PolkaDot — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 03:58:47 +0000

Pathetic... That's how I feel tonight.

But it'll all be alright.

The moon has a way of healing slights.

When time takes the clock in flight.

You dream away with all your might.

Still nothing gets it just quite right.

So fight, so fight

To keep yourself quiet.

And never yield a mite

To the rich man's plight.

Of loneliness and dying sight.

Just sing the blues tonight.

And it'll all be alright.

:shifty:

PolkaDot — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 16:33:36 +0000

What happens to a road frog when it jumps to the other side?... SPLAT. Exactly.

That is life.

My Gloves Are Better Than Yours

mserychic — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 04:21:27 +0000

about one of the best bday presents in life. led gloves! behold their glory.

amazingly well done video i know. whispering so my grandpa doesn't over hear and try to "help," using my elbow to turn it on and off because i can't through the gloves and not being able to say 5 words without cussing i wish i could wear these things constantly.