nights suck

they really do. there's enough during the day to keep me busy and my mind occupied, but that all falls away at night. all i'm left with is overwhelming loneliness and sad.. and a bit of a hatred for happy sunny people. it's even worse when there's someone around at midnight and rant and rave and get into a long conversation about relationships and sex with. i mean really, am i really getting into the beyond patheticness that have been my attempts at those? really, i've gone out of my way not to ever talk about these just horrible experiences before and i choose tonight to unleash a good deal of them? file those under things that should never be shared. ever. i may of even had a pact with myself to bring them to my death bed. that level of pathetic.

i think i'm used to the thoughts buzzing around my head all the time, but actually voicing them.. err typing them.. makes them real. i'm used to sad thoughts. they pretty much fill my every waking moment, but sharing them. damn not a good idea. unleashes the waterfall that is my sad mind. I DON'T WANT MY THOUGHTS TO BE REAL! but they are. damn. i mean of course you shouldn't base your whole happiness on someone else, but just never getting the chance to share that kind of closeness with someone is like a knife through the heart. leads to me wanting to kill off those thoughts anyway possible. oh yes i'm back to drinking so much every night that i'm staggering outside in the middle of the night to throw up so no one can hear me.. and then drinking some more. and being sprawled out on a bathroom floor after a show and having to text a friend to come rescue me because i can't stand up. and i wonder why i'm alone. i really should put more stock into cycles.