Killer Day

I could be more stressed out from this day if I had internalized it like Im so used to doing. But Im doing my best to take a step back and realize most of the cards Ive been dealt in life have been good with a couple of bad ones thrown in. when i see how others have been dealt a handful of bad cards, i feel a whole lot better about my situation in life.

Ive had many moments in my life where Ive been paranoid and felt like everyone hated me. Just yesterday... and I kept trying to convince myself it was just hormonal or chemical in my brain making me think that. But its difficult to always believe that and very difficult to bear sometimes. And today Lillian spoke that she thought her family was trying to kill her. Because they neglected to turn the thermostat up 2 degrees from the nighttime temperature to the daytime temperature. And she could catch a draft and get sick and die. So she thought they were trying to kill her. Like truly believed that. And no matter what I said she wouldnt believe anything else. She said God was telling her that no one cared and that she could only trust Him... she is one who believes that as long as she puts complete faith in God, he will 'speak' to her thru her intuition. But yeah she has senile dementia and i can see that faith-based way of operating is not working out as she thinks it is.

So today while working with Lillian in her daughter's store, a repairman came to fix the freezer and before he left he had me sign a paper showing what he did and the charges. well, when she found out that he had gone she demanded to know why nobody came and got her. She wanted to check it out and speak with him, because as she said 'its my store'. Well she used to own a different store at one time, but shes since retired and her daughter has her come in 3 days a week and do filing and other odd jobs to keep her busy and active. But of course she cant run a store anymore, her mind is not all there. She got so mad at me and my coworker I thought she was going to try and fire us on the spot. I got soooo flustered and started shaking because I didnt know what to say to make it better. truth is, no one could have said anything to change her mind or make her understand. we all tried. even got her daughter on the phone to talk with her. but she was just lost in her paranoia. and i had to step outside and get a breather and reform before i could go back to work. and i feel so bad that i had ugly thoughts about her, about how i wish i didnt have to deal with her and why does she have to wear every single person in her life down until they cant handle anymore... I wish i was better equipped to handle this, because situations with her are becoming more and more frequent, but even knowing that she is sick and cant help it doesnt make it easier to handle... and im not even a relative, and I am only with her 3 days a week!

but ive come to the conclusion that i have to not feel so bad about my own shortcomings, or blame myself so much. just like lillian, or others with certain mental disorders, if i had known how to prevent my problems, i would have. if i could have chosen to see things clearer, i would have tried (correction: i DO try). we are not evil ppl for having shortcomings or for ever having made ppl feel uncomfortable or having put unnecessary burdens on them (everyone does that sometimes). and by far, i can see whatever discomfort or burdens i ever cause for others (and much of that i know is only my imagination), it comes up wayy short of what i see happening with lillian. i could see today in that situation, theres no blame to be laid. it is just a sad situation, for everyone involved, and theres nothing can be done to make that go away. ive always been so busy trying to find where the blame should be laid in so many bad situations, and im realizing it doesnt always work that way. usually when i didnt find a suitable place to lay the blame (and sometimes I did that unfairly), I would lay it on myself (also unfair). sometimes bad situations cant be avoided, and therefore what everyone in that situation needs is not a place to put blame, but help and understanding and comfort, from as many sources as possible. because those burdens of resolve left on the shoulders of one or two get very very heavy indeed.

so heres my ideal theory of how to make bad situations better: get help from a dozen ppl (a 'village' as they say) and each of them contributes in their own unique and small way (so as not to put too much on any one person) and adding it up altogether the problem gets smaller. all these different ppl sand it out and wear it down until its edges get smoothed out, even if it doesnt go away. and we all go around helping each other out with our problems all day long. the end.

well thats just my idealistic fairy-tale way of looking at the world. maybe thats how i deal with my problems. just imagine a better way of getting around it and think optimistically and hopefully toward the future. i dont know how far off track i am but i always feel renewed and re-energized when i can think of things that way, and i alwasy thought everyone else would do well to do the same, because it was just a better feeling... but now im realizing everyone has different ways of finding renewal, and that problems cannot always be solved, no matter how many willing suspects are involved.

To boot, my coworker let me know today she was diagnosed with lymphoma! My cards are looking better and better.